wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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