I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
