Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
