The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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