Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
