my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
