you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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