just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
