I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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