Hey man sorry I got all grabby
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
