I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
