Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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