i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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