I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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