my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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