Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
