what day is it and did you see me today?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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