so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
