Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Everyone says I win the strip club
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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