Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
