Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
