somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
