I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
