He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize