Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
