Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I wear drunk well.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
