just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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