So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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