where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
