I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
