I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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