Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
