Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
