All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Let's paint friendship bongs
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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