I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
