You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize