I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
