beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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