I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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