Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
