Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize