Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
