he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
