i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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