Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
