You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
