Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
