I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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