I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
