An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize