Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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