He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
