I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
