Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
