I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
