I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
