well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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