sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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