You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
