put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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