Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
