I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
