Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
