he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
