God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
