Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
