You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
