I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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