Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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