DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
