chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
