i was born a porn star she said
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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